Eyes Closed
by y0ungalaska
Summary: Wanting and having are two completely different things. Especially when your name is Quinn Fabray. And sometimes, the hardest thing choice you'll ever make is only something you can understand.


**Title: **Eyes Closed

**Pairing: **Rachel/Quinn

**Length: **Over 4k

**Summary: **Wanting and having are two completely different things. Especially when your name is Quinn Fabray. And sometimes, the hardest thing choice you'll ever make is only something you can understand.

**Disclaimer:**Glee and the characters belong to FOX and RIB. I only own my ideas.

**A/N: **Faberry One-shot. Song fic. I had to write it. Song used - "Eyes Closed" by The Narrative. It gives me so many Faberry feelings, I can't think. Enjoy.

* * *

"_The clouds hold A storm over this road_

_You're dreaming...Or at least you've got your eyes closed_

_And this dormant love you've built inside your stubborn ways,_

_Well its begging now, for air; Of the silent breath of change..."_

Quinn and Rachel sat silently in the brunette's room. For a summer day, it was excruciatingly hot, yet a summer storm was raging outside the window. The blonde lay on the bed, one arm perched under her head for support and a book in the other. Rarely ever had she worn her glasses around anyone other than Santana and Brittany, but the budding relationship between her and Rachel had allowed her to instill some trust in the diva. Thus, allowing her to be more of herself with each passing day.

Rachel sat on her computer chair, eyes glued to the laptop screen as she double and triple checked the list for her New York move. It was imperative to the tiny diva that she have everything she needed so that she wouldn't have to flounder around New York for the first week trying to acquire said things. It was always better to be prepared, in her book.

Hearing the blonde heave a sigh, Rachel turned around and allowed her eyes to fall upon the ex-cheerio. Her hair splayed out across the pillow, book resting on her chest and her eyes closed. To anyone else, it would seem as though Quinn had fallen asleep, but Rachel had learned the pattern of her breathing and she was well aware that the blonde was simply resting.

"I know you're watching me, Rach." Quinn stated without opening her eyes.

Just hearing her best friend's voice caused a small smile to grace the brunette's lips. "You just look so peaceful. Really Quinn, how can you expect me not to admire you?"

The comment, however innocent, riled up a part of the blonde and she opened an eye to carefully watch Rachel's expression. "Admire me for what?" she asked, propping herself up on an elbow to get a better look.

"It's no secret that you're the prettiest girl I've ever met, Quinn. I distinctively remember wanting your nose at one point in my life." Rachel let her words fall away for a moment before she continued. "You're a very beautiful girl. And when you're completely relaxed, you look almost angelic." She finished with a shrug of her shoulders before turning back to her computer screen.

Pushing herself all the way to a sitting position, Quinn took in a shuddering breath and let her eyes flutter shut. The pounding of her heart was deafening to her ears and she wondered, for a moment, if the brunette could hear it across the room.

Harboring feelings. Quinn Fabray had been harboring feelings for the girl sitting before her for a really long time. They fought; first over a boy, then because Quinn couldn't come to terms with herself and her feelings, and never once had the brunette faltered. She'd come to Quinn's aid time and time again and after a while, the blonde had no choice but to stop fighting it. And then, Finn proposed. He did the one thing that Quinn thought he'd never have the nerve to do and it halted every plan she'd set in motion. It turned her world upside down and she, once again, lost her grip on her control. She'd tried everything she could to get Rachel to see that this wasn't right; to see that she was making a mistake by marrying too young and when that didn't work, she'd flat out refused to be a part of such a shamble. But one afternoon, while sitting alone, she'd thought about it. She thought about the broken look on Rachel's face when she'd hoped that Quinn would have been a bridesmaid and she made the decision to support the brunette, no matter the situation.

And then the car crash happened. On the way to the wedding; the wedding that, even though Quinn had shown support for, she was planning to stop. But one mistake had stopped her from doing that. And when she woke up from her coma, she had more pressing issues to worry about. The fact that she was temporarily paralyzed being on the top of the list. Rachel had apologized, profusely, but Quinn had assured her that it was not her fault; this was not her mistake. The two had seemed to be making their way back to normal and Rachel did everything she could to support the blonde through her PT appointments. Joe had been a fleeting interest for a moment, but Quinn knew the only reason she'd shown interest was because he did. She'd never actually felt more than a friendly affection for the boy and truth be told, she knew that pretending wasn't going to get her anywhere.

Finn and Rachel still weren't married.

And here they were. Sitting together, Quinn single and Rachel engaged and the brunette was still making Quinn feel like she was worthy of more than this life in Lima. Rachel always reminded her that she was more than her mistakes, more than her bitchiness... she was so much more than _that_.

"_As these waves crash against the highway cliffs,_

_I'm so scared they'll flood me where I sit._

_Well the roads, they change to waterways;_

_They never carry home."_

The two girls sat down for lunch with the Berrymen. It had become somewhat of a tradition over the summer and Quinn had taken quite well to it. With her mother throwing herself into a new life after leaving her father, she'd had a lot of alone time so the invitation was always welcomed.

Rachel watched as Quinn sat across from her and either of her fathers took a seat at each head of the table. Conversation flowed freely between the four of them, but Rachel could see there was something bothering her best friend. On more than one occasion, while one of her fathers' was chatting lightly to the group, the brunette would casually nudge Quinn with her foot and silently ask with her eyes if the blonde was okay. Quinn would always offer up a small smile and turn her attention back to whichever of the men were talking at the moment. Finally, letting it go, Rachel engaged in conversation with her dads; Quinn answering when spoken to, but otherwise staying quiet. They spoke about college, their last nights in Lima and the weather. Before long, lunch was over and Quinn rose to help with the cleanup, but was stopped by all three Berry's insisting that they could handle it. After a few moments of just standing in the kitchen, Quinn excused herself and made her way back up to Rachel's room.

Once alone, she sighed and ran her hands over her face. Keeping her emotions in check had become harder and harder over the summer. The closer she and Rachel became, the more difficult it'd become to push her feelings aside. Usually, the blonde would square up her shoulders, create a face of indifference and act as though nothing was wrong. Usually. But the more the diva broke down her walls, the harder it was to build them back up again.

She sat in the window, watching as the rain beat down against the pane and sighed to herself. In a week and half, she'd be in Connecticut. She'd be starting as a Freshman, jumping headfirst into her new life and she had no idea what to expect. She was scared, yes, but her thoughts always drifted to New York and Rachel Berry. Would they still keep in touch? Would they even be friends? Could they find the time for one another in between their hectic freshman schedules?

Sighing, she lay her head on the window and closed her eyes. The way Rachel seemed to always know when she'd float off into a world of her own thoughts caused her to inhale sharply. She needed to compose herself before she saw the brunette again. It was all too much and she was beginning to feel caged within her own emotions.

"_You pull back and you angle towards the window._

_Now the rain is crashing down,_

_And oh my god, you're beautiful._

_And i'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape._

_Yeah we still got time,_

_And in my mind, these bends could be steered straight."_

Rachel quickly finished helping her dads before seeing them off and then slowly making her way up the stairs. The way Quinn had been acting lately was nowhere near normal, yet the blonde would constantly reassure her that everything was fine. It wasn't. Nothing was fine and Rachel Berry knew it. Even within herself, things were a constant tornado of emotions. Every day brought on more confusion when it came to the blonde, but she tried her hardest to ignore it. After all, she was engaged to the man that she loved.

She knew she loved Finn. In a way, she'd always loved him, but ever since Regionals, the brunette had been contemplating just how much she actually loved the boy. And in what way. Not to mention, the tingling sensation she got every time she was in the presence of her best friend. She'd thought, for a moment, that the blonde could be possibly feeling the same way, but then she started dating Joe Hart and Rachel forced herself to push whatever she was feeling deep down inside. After the accident and almost losing Quinn all together, she made the decision to be happy and take whatever she could get. If that meant having Quinn as a friend and only a friend, then so be it.

Trudging up the last set of steps, Rachel steeled herself, taking a deep breath before pushing the door open. Her breath caught in her throat and rendered her motionless as she caught sight of the blonde.

Quinn was sitting against her window, knees to chest, and her eyes were once again closed. Without a word, the blonde turned her head to look at the brunette and Rachel inhaled slightly, eyes widening at the sight. The backdrop of the rain against the window and the sliver of light in the sky accentuated every single angle of Quinn's profile and the brunette, for once, was absolutely speechless.

"Rach?"

She could hear Quinn speaking; vaguely making out the movement of pink lips, but she had no control over herself. Her feet were planted, her heart beat picking up.

"Hey," Quinn spoke softly as she made her way over to her now stoic best friend, "you okay?"

Rachel felt the heat emanating from a warm hand on her cheek, causing her to blink furiously. "You're beautiful," she whispered so low that the blonde almost missed it. They were the only words that Rachel could come up with in the moment.

Quinn smiled, rubbing her thumb gently across the diva's cheek before dropping her hand back to her side and making her way back over to the window. Her thoughts were running a mile a minute and if she hadn't had the distraction, she surely would have pressed her lips against Rachel's.

It was all too much.

Rachel shook herself out of her dreamscape and took a seat on the edge of her bed. Her hands immediately rose to the edge of her shirt, playing with invisible strings as she watched the blonde. Contemplative was a state that Quinn was constantly in, Rachel knew this, but there seemed to be an almost suffocating tension between the two of them. She could have easily forgotten her marriage, forgotten her morals, and leaned up to kiss powder pink lips, but Quinn had pulled away before she could fully wrap her head around that thought. She hadn't been crazy. She knew the blonde felt it, too. There was a two second window where Rachel panicked for a moment, expecting Quinn to be gathering her belongings and making a hasty retreat. But to her surprise, the blonde had only taken her seat next to the window once again.

She could feel hazel eyes watching her, burning into her, but she couldn't lift her head to meet the blonde's gaze. She was experiencing so many different emotions all at once, the only thing she could do was focus on her breathing and will herself not to cry. Her eyes were stinging with tears and she couldn't understand why. Rachel shut her eyes tightly, her hands grabbing for the bedding beneath her as she tried to fight off one emotion at a time.

It was all too much.

"Rach?" Quinn asked timidly as she watched her best friend's face flooded with emotion. She knew Rachel Berry well and she could tell that the brunette was fighting off tears. "Hey, hey," Quinn spoke softly as she kneeled in front of the girl, gently guiding her now white knuckled hands from her sides and placing them into her own. "What's wrong, Rach? Talk to me."

"I..." Rachel tried, but the words caught in her throat and she swallowed hard against them trying to keep herself in check.

"Are you okay? Did I... did I do something?" The blonde questioned and chocolate eyes opened, glazed over with unshed tears, to lock onto her own hazel orbs.

"No," Rachel breathed out before gently squeezing her hands, "No, Quinn, it's not... it's not you."

"Then what is it? You can talk to me, you know?" Rachel looked down before reconnecting their gazes. "Whatever it is, Rachel, you can tell me."

"I know. It's... It's stupid, really. I can't actually explain it." Rachel let out a humorless laugh as she wiped at slowly falling tears.

"Okay," Quinn nodded before looking over to the window for a moment. The rain had let up and the sun seemed to be making its way through the clouds. In the moment, the visual seemed very fitting. "Let's go for a ride."

"What?" Rachel asked, confusion written all over her face.

"Let's go for a ride." Quinn stood up, looking around the room before grabbing her keys and purse. "The sun is coming out, the rain has stopped and I think it'll be good for the both of us. Come on." She offered a hand and after a moment, the brunette took the proffered hand and allowed the blonde to lead the way.

"_As these waves crash against the highway cliffs,_

_I'm so scared they'll flood me where i sit._

_Well the roads, they change to waterways_

_They never carry home."_

Quinn cut the engine to her car as she looked straight ahead. The ride over had been stifling, at best. The two of them kept their eyes forward, save for Quinn taking quick glances at the brunette as she looked out the window. Neither girl had anything to say, both internally debating what to say and why things had suddenly become so awkward for the two.

"Come on," Quinn spoke as she flung the door open.

Rachel followed her instructions and stopped when she noticed Quinn climbing up on the hood of her car. "Quinn, what are you doing?"

"Just trust me. This is, by far, the best place to watch the sun set in Lima. Come on," she said again, patting the empty hood space beside her. Rachel, although reluctant, finally made herself comfortable next to the blonde and lay back, eyes taking in the scenery.

"How did you find this place?" she asked, never once taking her eyes off the sky.

"After Beth," Quinn raised a hand to her mouth as she cleared her throat, "I was going through a lot and needed to get away so I took off driving one day. I saw this secluded spot and pulled over, doing exactly what we're doing now. After that, it became my thinking place."

"You've been coming here for almost two years?" Rachel asked, averting her eyes to the blonde.

"More or less, yeah. It's quiet and I can just... think, you know? I don't have to worry about anything and I can just close my eyes and let go of whatever it is I'm feeling."

Rachel nodded silently as she returned her eyes to the sky above them. The sun was out fully now, but well on its way to retreating once again. She sighed as she placed both hands behind her head. "Are you scared?"

"Scared?"

"Of going to New Haven and starting over, are you scared?" The brunette clarified.

"I don't think I'm scared of New Haven itself, no. I'm... more afraid for... other things." Quinn finished off quietly as she inhaled. She could feel herself becoming anxious and she knew that if she didn't get herself under control she would easily do the one thing she hadn't wanted to do. "What about you? Are you scared about New York?"

"Well, as you know, I've been planning this move since I could walk." The two of them shared a smile before she continued. "But of course, I'm a little timid. I think everyone is, at least, a little scared when they move away from home. We're growing up, Quinn. It's all a part of the process."

The blonde hummed her response and watched as the sky began to take on light hues of deep oranges, pinks and purples. Her heart hammered in her chest as she felt the brunette scoot closer to her; the chill factor had picked up and she hadn't thought to remind Rachel to bring a sweater.

"Quinn?" Rachel asked after a long bout of silence.

"Yeah, Rach?"

"Are we...okay?"

Quinn shifted her position so that she could look at her best friend. She noticed Rachel biting the inside of her cheek; a tell-tale sign that she was nervous about the answer. The blonde offered a small smile before answering, "Of course we are, Rachel. Why wouldn't we be?"

"Well, I just... You seem distracted a lot lately. And I wasn't sure if I'd done something to make you feel uncomfortable around me. I don't want you to feel that way. You're...you're my best friend, Quinn. I don't want," Quinn cut her off mid-rant by placing a hand against her cool cheek, "I'm not uncomfortable, Rachel, I promise you that. I'm just," her hand dropped as she lay back again and focused on the sky, "there's a lot going on, you know? We're leaving in a week and half and I don't really know how to deal with all of it."

"Are you saying you're going to miss me, Quinn Fabray?" The brunettes teasing smile was hard to miss.

"Of course, I'm going to miss you. I'll always miss you." Quinn muttered as her eyes danced across the sky.

Rachel, content with the answer, moved to lay her head on the blonde's shoulder and lazily wrap an arm across her waist. "We'll always be best friends, Quinn, no matter what. Don't ever forget that. Even when I'm in the worst diva mood, don't ever forget that."

Quinn looked down to see Rachel looking at her through thick lashes. Her hand, without permission, gently began rubbing small circles down the shorter girls' arm and she smiled. She smiled because the moment was so perfect without actually being _perfect_. Her eyes glazed over as the brunette closed her own and sighed deeply.

"I love you." The whispered words were out before she'd even had a chance to stop them. She felt Rachel stiffen in her arms for a moment before chocolate orbs were on her, searching hazel for any kind of answer.

They both knew that the meaning behind those three words was anything but friendly. They carried so much weight and as good as it had felt to let them go, Quinn berated herself instantly when confusion and worry crossed Rachel's features.

"_Well, I'm sorry for the things I had to say,_

_And I'm sorry I pushed your hand away from the radio._

_I pushed your hand away from the radio.."_

Fear was setting in. Rachel watched as apprehension clouded the blonde's features. She needed to say something, _anything_, but the weight of the words coupled with the look on the blonde's face were rendering her speechless, once again.

Quinn cleared her throat as her eyes landed everywhere but on the brunette laying on her. Quickly releasing her, she moved to slide off the hood of the car. "I think we should go."

"Quinn."

"It's getting late and I don't want us to get stuck out here if the storm comes back."

"Quinn." Rachel spoke a little louder as she watched Quinn slide off the hood of the car and fumble in her pockets for her keys. Tentatively, she made to move off the hood and took heavy steps toward her best friend. She wasn't sure what to say, but she knew that she needed to say something. Quinn was in full out panic mode. Reaching out, she grabbed hold of the taller girls' arm before turning her around. "What you said... did you... do you mean it?"

"What?" Quinn tried her hardest to feign innocence. The look on Rachel's face told her it wasn't being bought.

"What you said, Quinn, do you mean it?"

"I..." Hazel eyes disappeared behind eyelids as she took a deep breath. This wasn't supposed to be happening. All she had to do was keep her mouth shut for a week and a half and everything would have been fine. "Of course, I mean it, Rachel. You're my best friend."

"Quinn, I'm not stupid." Rachel retorted with a hint of anger. "That... you didn't mean it like _that_."

"Rachel, you're taking things way out of proportion. I meant it the way I said. You're my best friend and I..."

"You can't even _say_ it again, Quinn. If it were true, as you say, then you could easily repeat yourself. You've never sounded so..." Rachel allowed her thoughts to trail off before latching onto a word, "loving."

"Can we forget this ever happened?" The blonde asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"No. I can't just forget this. I can't."

"Why does it even matter, Rachel?" Quinn's voice rose as she threw her hands in the air. "Please, can we just... can we forget? We can go back to normal and in less than two weeks, you'll be in New York and I'll be in New Haven and this will all be behind us."

"What if I don't want to forget?" Rachel challenged, making a bold move to step closer.

"But you and Finn... you love him, Rachel. You have to forget any of this ever happened. You're engaged to be married, for fucks sake. This... shouldn't have happened."

"You don't think I know the predicament I'm in, Quinn? I don't need you to remind me of the tether that I have to a man I think I love."

Quinn couldn't believe her ears. Was she? No, no this wasn't happening. She wasn't going to be the cause of their break up. More importantly, she wasn't going to allow Rachel to throw away something she'd been working so hard for. Even if Finn wasn't the best choice for her, her best friend loved him and she wasn't going to be the cause of the end of it. If she hadn't opened her mouth, Rachel would not be saying the things she'd said and none of this would be happening. She just wanted to forget.

"Look, I got caught up in the moment, okay? I... I didn't mean to … God, I didn't mean to say that, okay? So, let's just go back to your place, we can have dinner and watch a movie and I'll go home and then tomorrow, we'll forget."

"Why are you so adamant to take it back?" Brown eyes searched hazel for any sort of truth. "Why can't you allow me to make this decision for myself? Why?"

"Because I refuse to be the reason for yet another failed relationship of Finn Hudson's. I refuse to be the reason that you end your engagement to the boy you've been in love with for the last three years. I refuse to be that. You wouldn't have even _thought_ about me in any way other than a friend if I hadn't been stupid enough to say anything. So no, I'm not going to allow you to make some decision based on the sole fact that I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. It doesn't matter what I feel and it doesn't matter what you say, Rachel. I won't do this." Quinn's body tensed as she felt the brunette standing almost chest to chest with her. Her breathing became shallow and her heart was going to explode, but she put on her face of indifference, built up her wall and reacted the best way she knew now.

"Quinn, that isn't fair and you know it." Rachel almost pleaded. Her voice sounding broken and soft against the harsh winds.

"Life isn't fair, Rachel."

"Stop doing this!" The brunette exclaimed. "Stop trying to push me away. I'm right here, Quinn. I'm right _here_."

Hazel eyes closed once again and Quinn steeled herself for what was to come. She'd do anything for this girl, including breaking her own heart for the sake of Rachel's future. As much as she wanted this, as much as she wanted to throw her arms around the brunette and confess her love, she couldn't. It wouldn't be right. _Less than two weeks_, she reminded herself over and over again. Her shoulders squared, posture lifted and she shook her head.

Rachel stood confused as silent tears began to fall. Her heart constricted at the sight of the blonde; everything she'd thought she'd known was wrong. Everything she'd wanted, everything she'd missed had been standing there all along. Her marriage, her future, all of it was forgotten momentarily as she watched the blonde's walls building up. Reaching out, she placed her hand on Quinn's arm, only for it to be gently pushed away.

Pain washed over Rachel's face as she stood, completely still, watching Quinn do the one thing she did best: retreat. She'd wanted to push the envelope, to make the blonde talk to her, but the way Quinn had completely disregarded her touch made her think twice.

Quinn turned away from the brunette, not able to look into those broken brown eyes any longer.

Panic. Tears. Hurt. Heartbreak.

It was all too much.

"_I should have just let it go."_


End file.
